The retreat of two halves

Sometimes our biggest learnings and growth come out of the toughest challenges.

I debated whether to share this,  but I promised to always be honest and speak from the heart – as that is where I aspire to live from. 

So,  I’m not gonna lie, it was a physical, mental and emotional rollercoaster.

Looking at me on stage, everything looks great, I am living my passion, alive, in the moment and loving serving the audience.  However, close up, you can begin to see what I was navigating.  And the exterior picture was only a fraction of the battle.

I wanted to share the experience to firstly remind others that sometimes life does throw shitty things our way, that can throw up a whole tirade of emotions, BUT what’s more important is how you respond to the shit.  Secondly I wanted to share my process for dealing with the day, and hopefully it will help one of you in the future.

This isn’t from a place of ego and ‘look at how good I am’ far from it, as you will see when you read on, this was not an easy ride.

(Warning some graphic descriptions included) So in short, at 2am the night before the retreat I woke up with my face on fire, I looked like a patchwork quilt and felt like someone had poured acid on me, I did all I could to control the flare but the universe had other ideas!!  In the morning I could barely touch my skin, it was raw, weeping, swollen and incredibly painful, and I felt my deepest darkest fears and doubts knocking at the door.

How did I manage the roller coaster of emotions that got me on that stage and kept me going all day.

Well, firstly I was determined the day would happen, so I decided that was a non negotiable (step 1), the retreat would go on no matter what, but how do I deal with the physical, mental and emotional pain that is literally shuddering through my body?

At the venue I found myself stood looking in the mirror, attempting to cover my face and literally having the makeup peel straight off, yeah it was like something out of a horror movie – it was what I thought, was my worst nightmare. Nothing I did would cover this, and I so nearly broke in that moment.  However, I was going out there so I had to choose to accept the situation (Step 2).

Here was what was going on for me on the inside.  I had one part of me who was desperately wanting to protect me and keep me safe. Safe from hurt, judgement, disappointment and rejection, she was screaming at me to hide in the corner and cry – and I nearly, nearly did. 


I knew that running and hiding would only exacerbate the situation, what she needed was to be acknowledged, comforted, reassured, to feel safe and understand that for today she didn’t need to be in charge as “My adult self had it from here”.  So I acknowledged the pain, agreed to honour this at a later stage and moved my focus (Step 3)

(Step 4) I reminded myself of the bigger picture; the important of what I was doing, my purpose, my passion, my why…….. to teach people how to feel safe to be themselves in this world (How beautifully ironic).

There is always a lesson or learning in events that happen.  It could have been the hardest thing, but Instead it turned out to be massive growth in my journey. Quite simply, I put the doubting thoughts out my mind, focussed on what I could do, and most importantly; I believed, trusted and allowed myself to be guided. I stayed in the moment (as much as I could) and stayed in service and it felt absolutely amazing.  

The day was a huge success for everyone, we had some astounding breakthroughs, transformations and so so much healing (including my own).  I tackled that belief that people only liked me and listened to me because of the way I looked.  I thought this belief was from vanity, but it wasn’t, it was from that young part of me who had gone through something in her life that made her believe that, and she needed some healing.

This brings me to the final (Step 5) although I had acknowledged her on Saturday and gave her the reassurance she needed to get through that day, I also knew I had to honour her pain, her fear, her confusion and I knew there was work to do.  Needless to say I have spend the last few days being with her, allowing the tears, the anger, whatever to come up and I have my wonderful coach (Alex Franklin) this afternoon who will support me to work through this more.  I know within her pain is my strength and I am off to claim this back. 

Guys, life isn’t always easy and you never know what’s around the corner, but when it gets tough, lean into it, because on the other side of that is growth, is understanding, is healing.

I saw this quote and it really resonated

“The storms will keep coming and so will the rainbows”

Thank you for allowing me to share this with you, and a massive thank you to each of you who attended and supported me through the day…….every single one of you gave me strength to carry on, I felt accepted, embraced, loved and “safe to be me” and words cannot express how incredibly grateful I am.

As always.


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